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Emotions Untapped
Welcome to the Emotions Untapped podcast, the show where we uncover all the information you need to better understand, use and manage your emotions in a positive way. When we understand our thoughts feelings and emotions we not only become more familiar with ourselves but also can foster healthier relationships with others. If you're aim is to relieve stress, communicate effectively and defuse conflict, empathise with others, overcome challenges and overall just have more meaningful relationships, then you've come to the right place. If you are searching for direction and more fulfillment in your life then the Emotions Untapped podcast was made for you. Each week we sit souind with therapists, experts, thought leaders, healers and so many more to bring you the tools and insights you need to start living a more emotionally intelligent life now.
Emotions Untapped
#009 Rebuilding Self-Trust: Strategies for Breaking Free from People-Pleasing
Imagine making life-changing decisions based solely on societal expectations, only to find yourself in an unhealthy marriage. This was the reality for our guest, Amy Sanders, who at 22 agreed to marry someone after just three weeks of dating. Join us as Amy, a successful entrepreneur and life coach, shares her transformative journey from prioritizing others over herself to reclaiming her self-trust and building a life she loves. Her story is a testament to the incredible power of emotional intelligence and self-awareness, especially for women.
Throughout this episode, Amy opens up about the challenges of overcoming self-betrayal and the complexities of blended families. She provides practical strategies for fostering self-trust and listening to your body's wisdom. From recognizing the physical manifestations of fear to engaging in mindful activities that nourish the soul, Amy's insights will inspire you to reconnect with your inner self. She underscores the importance of identifying what fuels you, whether it's being outdoors, meditating, or simply playing music, to align more closely with your true purpose and build self-confidence.
Lastly, we tackle the tough topic of overcoming fear and breaking free from a people-pleasing mindset. Amy shares powerful anecdotes about the significance of speaking one's truth and the impact of perseverance and belief in one's dreams. Learn how to push through discomfort and take action on your goals, even when the fear of change looms large. Discover the resources available for support, including one-on-one coaching and the Thrive Her Academy, to help you manifest your dreams and create a fulfilling life. Tune in to be inspired and empowered to transform your life through the lens of emotional intelligence and self-trust.
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People are powerful, men or women, they are all powerful. We all have so much more capability than we believe that we do, but I think, especially women. We have so much more capability than we believe we do and we stay small because we don't want other people to be offended and it's at the cost of ourselves, and I want us to stop paying that price. I want us to step into our power and I want you to thrive, because you are worthy of everything that's on your heart. You're worthy of everything.
Speaker 2:Welcome to the Emotions Untapped podcast. I'm your host, livia Lauder. This is the show where we explore the power of emotional intelligence in our personal and professional lives In this community. We dive into conversations with experts and thought leaders from a variety of fields to gain insights, strategies and tools for cultivating emotional intelligence or EQ for short. It gives me so much joy to create this show for you, to bring value and resources to you on your journey. I love your support in helping us create an even bigger impact. Just leave a five-star review and share this episode with a friend so we can continue to help others improve their lives by improving their emotional health. Now hit that subscribe button and let's dive in.
Speaker 2:The star of the show today is Amy Sanders. Amy is a serial entrepreneur, fitness enthusiast, business and life coach, real estate mogul and single mama. And Amy turned her pain into passion after leaving an unhealthy marriage and having loads of ups and downs along the way. After hitting her rock bottom, she turned it all around and now has five successful businesses on and offline and is now a self-made millionaire whose real passion is to support women to uncover their purpose and create a thriving life. So in this episode, we're going to talk about self-trust, money mindset and a bit about Amy's journey. So, amy, thank you so much for coming on the show. We're grateful to have you Well thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you for the invite. I'm excited to be here and hopefully, with what I say, I'll be able to hit the hearts of some women who need to hear what I have to say and take action from these words. So that's the goal.
Speaker 2:Perfect. I have no doubts this is going to be great. So let's just start off by talking a little bit about what emotional intelligence means to you, or perhaps what is the importance of being emotionally intelligent, or perhaps like what is the importance of being emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 1:I mean, it actually means a lot of things to me off the top of my head. If you are not emotionally intelligent, your life can take several paths that maybe are not. I mean, I don't want to say they're not good for you, but I'm looking at myself. So let's talk about myself.
Speaker 1:With emotional intelligence, I was raised in a very unhealthy environment, didn't know it, was not taught. Emotional intelligence was not taught. Anything about mindset, was not taught anything about money, and so I just accepted a lot of just what life was. You learn how to survive in your environment, regardless of whether it's healthy or not. And when you're survive in your environment, regardless of whether it's healthy or not. And when you're younger, you might not know that it's unhealthy, it just might not feel good. And so in my life, as I have gotten older, as I have matured, as I have grown in emotional intelligence, my life has evolved into something beautiful, but it wasn't always this way. And so emotional intelligence when you understand how to control your emotions, when you understand that they are at the root of your success or lack of success, and that you do have a choice to do something different, your whole life can change, and that's what I am so passionate about.
Speaker 1:Sharing with women is I have hit rock bottom more than once, and rock bottom you know where you have to recreate your life and I'm now. I'm like gosh like. If women understood this and I speak a lot to women and this is anyone. So anyone that's listening. If you're a male, you're welcome here. So anyone that's listening. If you're a male, you're welcome here. I don't want you to sound like you're not, but I do.
Speaker 1:I do speak a lot to women just because women, we have so many blocks that men don't struggle with. Because it's okay to be successful with men, they actually applaud each other. We don't. It's okay to speak up. Men are very like, for whatever reason, like we accept if they say harsh things, but with women maybe not. You know women are supposed to be like these people. That it's like it's not even a real person. This whole perfectionism. You know you have to be the beautiful wife and the perfect mom and you know, if you're an entrepreneur, be successful but not too successful. Anyway, I'm going off on a tangent. But all of this can like, with emotional intelligence, you can create a completely different life, but it does start with becoming self-aware.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a great point. Self-awareness is the foundation of it all. Really right, because if you're not aware of your thoughts, feelings and emotions, you can't you simply can't do much about it. Um, no, what you mentioned what you mentioned there in the beginning too, you know, I think is so true and I'm it's starting to seem a little bit of a generational thing. That's kind of growing now, where, you know, growing up, emotional intelligence wasn't taught, mindset wasn't taught. And I applaud all of the people similar to yourself entrepreneurs, people who have unfortunately hit their rock bottom but have grown so much from it and are now turning around and recognizing that, hey, I never learned this, but maybe I can teach it, and I think that's so powerful. So I applaud you for, you know, stepping out of your comfort zone and stepping into that space and really being like a coach and a mentor in that space. It's so important.
Speaker 1:Oh, thank you, it is. It's important for people to know that they have a choice, because I think especially I mean you're I don't know how much younger you are than me, but you're definitely younger than me, right, and I think your generation is set up to have more success in this, because it is a thing we are talking about, it. We're talking about mental health, more than we were even 10 years ago. We're talking about, we're having hard conversations, we are talking about emotional intelligence, mindset, all the things and you know, and social media. You scroll and there's all of the cute memes and reels and empowering things that didn't exist when I was growing up. It really didn't exist, it wasn't a thing, and it wasn't even that long ago, but it still wasn't. So, knowing that your life can be different, even if you've done something one way forever, that does not mean that that's going to be your reality, if that's not what you want. And so you do again have a choice, but you do have to choose it, and that's what I think can be hard.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it's hard to change your ways, quite simply right. Like embracing change is a huge part of becoming more emotional, intelligent. It's a part of growing. And it's uncomfortable, like, it's not always fun, it's not always pleasant, and sometimes it's easier to to just stay in our comfort zone and and tick along rather than face the uncomfort of change yeah.
Speaker 1:The thing about comfort zone, though, is when I'm coaching my clients, I'm like hey, your comfort zone is why you are where you are, but you're still not happy. So are you willing enough to get uncomfortable to then create something different? You know so comfort zone. A lot of times, people are in that comfort zone, but they don't even want to live there. They just don't know how to get out of it, or they don't think that they can, and you can. I mean, I'm going to say that 5 million times. If I need to right, you can, but yeah, you do have to get uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:And getting uncomfortable, though, is, in my mind, amazing, like that one quote that I say over and over. I tell just, I swear everyone was quotes. I learned it a while ago and I was like, hey, yeah, this one definitely hits, but it's the cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. Oh yes, so you're going to have to go through that cave, and that cave might be dark, it might be scary, you might not really know the way. It's different, you've never been there. But as you go through that cave, something beautiful can be inside. That treasure that you're looking for can be that.
Speaker 1:And I mean, we talk about the cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. But that can mean anything. It can mean even getting on a podcast and recording it. That might be scary and people have never done that before. Or actually applying for that job you don't think you can have, you don't think you're qualified, but you know, something inside of you is like hey, maybe. Or becoming an entrepreneur, or just having a hard conversation with someone. That's really pushing boundaries and you realize that you're not going to do that anymore. You know, those are the things, those are the caves like oh, this is scary, this is uncomfortable, but also I'm learning to love myself and respect myself enough to move through because I know that what's on the other side is going to be so much better.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I think, like with comfort zones too, like how do you feel about you know almost describing it as like a bit of a progression? For someone, getting outside their comfort zone might mean you know going on the bus alone and going somewhere new in a city, and for someone else that might mean you know quitting their job and starting a business, like those are two totally different levels of uncomfort and going into unknown territory. And I think, like a lot of times it's important for people to remember because they might get a little bit overwhelmed in like creating change, like it has to be this big, massive change.
Speaker 1:But yeah, no, absolutely not. Does not have to be big, does not? It's the little things. It's like the little things are the big things. And one example at the top of my head right now is like I was on the treadmill today and I am training Sad story I'm training to qualify for Boston. I actually did qualify for Boston last year but they cut 11,000 runners. So we qualified, but too many people qualified and so I was on the list that got cut, which is so sad, so I have to run again. Right, it's another goal. I already achieved the goal. Yet here I am.
Speaker 1:And so on the treadmill today, I I have to practice and preach Like if, if I'm telling you to do it, I promise you I'm doing it. You know, I speak authentic and I speak from my heart and I like, wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm like, promise you, I'm doing it. So this morning there was 21 minutes that I had to hold at a certain level. Okay, no one was in the room. There was, I was on the treadmill, the weather wasn't great, so I was on the tread and anyone, like nobody, knows but myself that I was going to hold that, that pace, which is really quick pace for 21 minutes. My workout was, you know, 70 minutes, but for 21 minutes I was going to hold this pace at this incline, and there were times where I was like, gosh, I don't want to do this. I actually don't have to do this.
Speaker 1:I'm the one that's decided that I'm doing this, but I thought you know what I've committed. This is uncomfortable, it doesn't feel good, I'm breathing really heavy, but if I want to hit that goal, I have to do this uncomfortable thing, and so that is a small thing, right, it's not like building a big business. It's like, yeah, I held that pace against that incline for 21 minutes. And if people know, I'll just say it was a 4% incline at an 8-0 pace, which is like under seven minimile. So it's like holding that at that was like I'm breathing heavy, right, but also coming off that, I was like, yeah, I did it. Of course I did it. I'm going to do the hard thing because I want to live extraordinary. I want to be extraordinary, but in order to be extraordinary, you have to do those things that are extraordinary little by little, right, like the tiny things become the big things, the daily activities that's it.
Speaker 2:Oh, I love that example. Thank you for sharing that. That's so good. And you know, just like backing what you said too, you know practice what you preach, kind of thing. Like I love that you're, you know, you you coach women, you coach people in this space of like thriving and like being in the best version of yourself, and like you do really have to embody that if you're going to step into the limelight and be like hey guys, like listen to what I have to say about this. It's, it's very important. So I I commend you for that good, good stuff.
Speaker 1:Well, thank, you, but it's a daily thing and that's the thing I'm like. I'm doing it, I'm doing it right, like, but are you doing it? Can you? You do it? Do you trust yourself? And that's like.
Speaker 1:Our theme is self-trust. We haven't really hit on it, but that is what I'm talking about is like when you betray yourself, your spirit knows. Like if I would have betrayed at the 21 minutes, at the 4% incline, you know, at the 8 oh, no one else would know. No one was in my room, no one was there but me, but I would know. And that's what I'm talking about. It's like self-trust is everything. It's everything when it comes to success.
Speaker 1:And can I, can I tell you a story about how far away I was from self-trust? My first really big, eye-opening experience I've had multiple, but the one that I really was like wow, what am I doing? Is when I was 22, I was taught to say yes. Like no matter what. You say yes, it doesn't matter. Like if you're a woman, you say yes. If someone's older than you, you say yes, it doesn't matter if you want to or not, you just agree, you'd be agreeable. Do not ask for anything ever, like, because I mean really, ultimately, it's like we're not. We're not worthy of that as women, which is why I think I'm like becoming such like a big feminist. It's because I'm like women are amazing anyway.
Speaker 1:So by the year, by the age 22, I was dating a guy and he proposed after three weeks of dating oh okay, um, I did not want to marry him. I was like what, we did know each other. It wasn't like we met each other three weeks. Then he proposed we did know each other before that, but we had only dated for three weeks and he proposed I said yes, my tummy was in knots, I was ready to throw up. I left him on his knee for a good couple minutes as I was panicking and the thing I said was well, as he asks, so he asks my hand in marriage, and the thing I said was well, what did you ask my dad? And then he goes well, yeah, I'm like, oh well, what did he say? He's like well, he said that it's fine with him, it's fine with you. And I'm like oh okay, yeah, that was the proposal, that was it. Wow. And my body is saying no, I'm just completely just like sick to my stomach. And um, that was probably not.
Speaker 1:Probably that was the biggest self-betrayal at that point in my life that I had ever done, which was I am agreeing to marriage, getting married at 22 years old to a guy that I wasn't ready to marry, that I should not have married, and I married him. And I married him because I didn't want him to feel bad and I did not want my dad to be upset with me. So complete self-betrayal. Now, what did that do to my self-trust? Destroyed it. I don't matter. What I say doesn't matter. What I feel doesn't matter, but I am going to agree to marriage one of the very biggest decisions you can make in your entire life to someone, because I don't want them to feel rejected. So I'm going to reject myself at the deepest level instead.
Speaker 2:I'm just curious then if that, in hindsight now looking back, did that at all set the tone for the marriage or the relationship that was then to come from that Do you think? Like your lack of showing up for yourself and yeah, Absolutely so.
Speaker 1:What unfolded from there was not only an unhealthy marriage that I should never have gone into, but I did his degree for him. I enabled him completely. So when I did his online degree, I got him his bachelor's degree. I quit my. I was a senior in college with less than a year to go, but he had so much debt that I also didn't know about um that I quit school again. So I didn't do what I wanted to do and I did his degree for him while I was also working to provide for us. Do you see all of these problems? Wow?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean there are a lot of things and I can't be like so full of blame towards him. Now, he did not treat me well. He did not. It was not a healthy marriage. It was very unhealthy. However, I did agree to do that.
Speaker 1:I have to own that I did quit school against again something that I wanted to finish. That was important to me. I walked away from for somebody else and then, not only that, I then did his school for him while also providing for us. Like what in heck?
Speaker 1:But that is because of the learned behavior as a child that what I have to say doesn't matter, but I am to please at all costs. I am going to be a people pleaser. I don't matter. Men matter more than me. And now I'm like, yeah, no, we all matter. And I'm super passionate about speaking about this because I'm like women, you are amazing. You can speak up, you can have a voice, you can build a dream lifestyle. Now I was in that marriage for 11 years and from the minute I felt like I couldn't keep going, I stayed for five more years because I had three kids with him. Yeah, I didn't finish my degree until after I left the marriage. When I left the marriage, this first thing I did. I went back. I got my bachelor's degree at the age of 33. I was like okay.
Speaker 1:I gotta, I gotta go to get this done. Now. I was broke, completely broke. Now, when I say broke, I was making twelve thousand dollars a year and he was paying me one thousand dollars a month. Do the math can you live on that with three children by yourself? No, it is almost impossible. Right, I did it. But when I talk about being a broke single mom, I'd like to talk about the numbers, because it was definitely broke, Like it was.
Speaker 1:Like I was making deals with the landlord. I was like, hey, if I fix this thing, can you deduct my rent? Hey, if I do this over here, if I weed over here, could you deduct the rent? Kids, you get to pick one item from the dollar menu. We would go to Costco and I would buy like the hot dog that's a dollar 50, with like the big refill, you know, and I could cut it into thirds because I had three little kids. I could cut it into thirds and I could give them that big thing of soda that was their lunch for a buck 50.
Speaker 1:I mean, this is how I was living and I did leave him and I did say, okay it, you know, at some point I was like I need you to do this if it's not for me, for my kids? And so I did and I left and it was really hard again because I'm also in like a very religious um. I had a very religious background. It was very frowned upon, it was super hard, but I decided to start choosing me one step at a time, Like, okay, I've got to do this, If not for me, at least for them, Cause I love these little kids and I don't want them to think that this is okay to be in this type of relationship, Like. So I did again do it for someone else more than myself initially.
Speaker 1:But then that self-trust grew, that self like hey, what else can you do? Amy, you're super scrappy. Like're living on $24,000 a year with three littles. I sublet the basement. I was living in this rental and the landlord let me sublet the basement. So I sublet the basement for like and I could choose whatever I wanted to charge. So I sublet it for like a higher amount. So my rent was less. I mean I got super scrappy, super creative. But I also was like this is not the life I'm meant for. This is not it. I know it. And so it's like learning to do the little things like what do I like to do? And that's where it started. And so, if you're listening to this, I want you to like if you are resonating with anything I'm saying, like, start asking yourself the little questions like, okay, what does make me happy? What do I believe to be true about myself? What do I believe that I could create if I decided to have the opportunity? And it's not like if I get the opportunity because you create your opportunities.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so from there it's like little by little by little and I came away from that marriage and then was that super broke single mom. Lots of humbling experiences through that. I was in a very I was actually weirdly in like a pretty wealthy area and someone came up to my door and was like, and I was like still prideful, like I didn't want people to know what how bad finances actually were, right. But someone came up to my door and they're like Amy, we think you're technically like, they knew a little more about my situation and they're like you're really one of the most needy like people in our whole community and so we'd like to put on Christmas for you. And I was. I was like whoa, like I need this because I can't afford Christmas for my kids, but also, um, wow, like I'm, I'm there, like's me, you know how am I here?
Speaker 2:That would have been just so many mixed emotions like gratitude but also kind of shame and embarrassment, and that would have just been super confusing. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Super confusing. Um, and then, just like the amount of people who contributed to our Christmas, we had this massive Christmas from so many people bringing so many things that I actually had to divide it. I was like wait, this can be Christmas, this can be birthday, this can be Valentine's Day. Like I started dividing up all these things to like make them last. I don't know why I'm telling that story, but ultimately, like that's where I was because of a decision to marry someone I knew I shouldn't marry.
Speaker 2:Was there like a line in the sand moment for you. That because I mean that you were together a lot of years. You even mentioned, like once, you to go All right, I need to start asking myself the hard questions. I need to start making change, because you were. You're very far from that now where I was, yeah, which is awesome. I'm celebrating you in that and I'm just curious yeah. Was there, you know, a catalyst for that, or was it kind of, I don't know, like can you pinpoint it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, or was it kind of, I don't know, like can you pinpoint it? Yeah, yeah, there was. I mean, ultimately I should have left a lot sooner than I did, but I wanted to be sure for my kids. Again, when you have three kids with someone, it's complicated, you know. I wanted to be sure that this was the best decision for everyone and so when I did leave, the catalyst looked good, and I'm going to tell you why because the catalyst was that there was also infidelity and I finally had found it, and so that looked good to everyone else.
Speaker 1:Truth is, I needed to leave, not just because of the infidelity there was so much more that was there but that was like, oh well, that's a good reason to leave a marriage, because people will accept that more than we just didn't work out. Yeah, especially when it comes to religion, I would go to church with I felt like I was the scarlet letter with a big D, like I'd gotten divorced on my forehead. There was plenty of people that stopped talking to me because I left my husband. Wow, and I tried to be the bigger person. I wasn't like, oh, he did this and this and this, like I tried to just not do that, but know that I was making this best decision.
Speaker 1:And you know, like when all that trust is also now there's, there's no trust there's. I mean, there were so many things there. There was now like a long laundry list, but that was the catalyst and I was like there's literally not one reason to stay. Now there's nothing here, like he is the father of my children. But if I have any self-respect at all, I can't do this anymore. I gotta be done, yeah.
Speaker 2:So that was the, the catalyst, but it looked good, that makes sense yeah, and like how interesting that, if you kind of think about it the way you described it too, you know the infidelity. It's like well, other people will accept that this is an. Okay, you know, you were still kind of like people pleasing. You're still doing it. Yeah, wow, yeah, we'll be right back after a quick break. I hope you're loving the show.
Speaker 2:So far, this podcast is all about bringing value to the collective. You're here because you're looking to gain insights, strategies and tools for cultivating your emotional intelligence. Join our community online, where we share even more valuable resources to help you grow and thrive. Links in the show notes. And hey, we love hearing from you. Share this episode in your stories and tag us at emotionsuntapped. Let us know what your biggest takeaway is from today's show. All right, let's get back to it.
Speaker 2:You gave us a really great example of what not trusting ourself looks like right, like as in that story, which I think is is really important because we can talk about what it does look like. But I think for a lot of people listening to this, what's probably going to resonate more is what it doesn't look like that they'll be able to relate to. So we've seen a lot, or heard a lot of examples of what it doesn't look like. I'm curious as to you know, now that you're, you know you've created success, you're, you're a businesswoman, you're successful um, what does trusting yourself in your daily life now look like? Because I'm sure it's evolved a lot from like, okay, I've got to trust myself to like, leave this marriage, provide for my family, you know that's. That's like you're still kind of in the struggle. So I'm wondering, now that you're not in the struggle, how how do you still continue to embody that?
Speaker 1:Yeah, good question. I love it. And I wanted to start there because I wanted people to know how far away from self-trust I was. Yeah, I was like and that people do do that a lot of times unaware, like it's like I was very unaware. And so self-trust your body speaks to you, it does talk to you. My body was screaming at me when he proposed Don't do this, amy. Like there was all of the red flags. I was sick to my stomach. My heart was pounding, not because I was so excited, but because I was freaking out. My throat was super tight, so my body was speaking to me tight. So my body was speaking to me.
Speaker 1:So self-trust is trusting your intuition, trusting those little nerd, like those little nudges that happen, because they are always happening. But you have to listen and it's understanding that, like I like to look at our souls. Our souls are super old, right, like, yeah, we came to earth, but I do believe in life after death. And like life after death, okay, if life was also before earth, then we're old, we're super wise, right, we're like really, really, really wise. Our soul knows and our body knows, but we have to listen and if we don't listen, then that is a form of self-betrayal. That is a form of like not trusting yourself. And if you're not trusting yourself, your body and your soul stop talking to you. They're like, well, she doesn't listen to me anyway I mean think about relationships in general Like it's not going to be any different with anyone else, like when someone betrays your trust over and over, like you don't really like go to them anymore.
Speaker 1:So your body stops like, okay, well, she doesn't listen to me, so whatever you know and so it's that it's listening, like I am always aware of how my body is feeling and the more embodiment work I do and it doesn't change, like as you go from one income level to the next, it's like a whole okay, all right, cause again, that's uncomfortable. Oh, how do I feel here? E, okay, I don't know Like, and I'm also with step-mom, so we didn't say this. I remarried, I have seven kids, four of which are stepkids, and the stepkids, stepkids are a whole different ball game. Because you're the step-mom, and guess what? Because you're the stepmom, and guess what?
Speaker 1:Stepmoms are painted as very bad people, like with Disney and all the things. You have it working against you. Stepdads are welcome, like, oh, this guy saved my mom's life and made her happy, yay. Stepdads are like, really cheered on and applaud. Stepmoms are like no, we don't want you. We don't want you part of our lives, you know.
Speaker 1:So it's like trusting, like, even when it comes to my stepchildren which, by the way, they're amazing humans and it's taken a while for them to accept me because of lots of reasons with media and all the things, but it's like trusting that. No, like, I am a good, decent person, I am showing up for my relationships, whether it's, you know, my biological kids, my stepkids, my family, my business, like doesn't matter. It's like are you embodying self-trust? Are you listening to your body? Do you believe that you have the answers? And I think that's where a lot of people get tripped up. It's like our thoughts are going like 5 million, like miles an hour. They're just going, going, going, going like all the time. And it's been said like what? 60,000 thoughts a day is like the average person, yeah, yep. So what about the person who's not average, who thinks even more?
Speaker 2:Right. Like what about the overthinkerer?
Speaker 1:the serial overthinker guilty right so there's those people too and I think I might be one of those. But regardless, the 60,000 thoughts a day, over 90% of them are on autopilot. Yeah, 80% of them are over upwards of 80% of them are negative, but their thoughts and negative meaning that they're also lies. So if you're looking at that like you can totally let your mind take over, which is not going to be helpful and that's not developing self-trust or embodiment or listening to that wise soul of yours. But if you can sit quietly I mean that's one thing I do every single day is I like sit quietly and ask good questions. And I also decided, like quite a while ago, like I'm not talking like that to myself in between my years anymore.
Speaker 1:I can be awesome, but I got to decide that I'm awesome for other people to also think I'm awesome Right, Like, yeah, I can't have this internal conflict and so, and that takes, that takes mindset work and that's like that emotional intelligence we're talking about. But it's like turning off that brain and being quiet enough to listen and to like, if things aren't feeling right, question okay, my, my soul and my body are talking to me. Am I going to listen? Do I trust myself enough to make the best decisions for me and for my family and for my relationships. I brought up my stepkids because that was like I had to really trust myself as, like you know, in the beginning there was like a lot of ugly just, and it wasn't even them, it was like things that they were being told just because of what stepmothering is Like if you're a stepmom, you know, but it's like working against that.
Speaker 1:It's like, okay, but is that truly who I am? No, who am I. This is who I am. So how do I want to show up If someone's being prickly or someone's you know, being told something that's not true? How do I want to show up for me? What does that look like? What does it look like in my business? What does it look like in my relationships? What does it look like in my relationships? What does it look like with myself?
Speaker 1:Against even this morning showing up for me with like my goal of like the 21 minutes. I also felt like I needed to grounding this morning. So it's like no, and also knowing what it is that like fuels your soul, that's important too. It's like, yeah, for me. I know that it's outdoors, and so I went and dug in the dirt. I did some weeding this morning after my run, because, yeah, I want my yard to look good, but also that grounds me. No headphones in, no music going on, it's just me, it's the dirt and I'm doing my thing. So it's like knowing what that is and having a list of things that do that for you. Might be reading, might be hiking, it might be running.
Speaker 2:I mean it could be a lot of different things. I really love that. I actually have, funnily enough, I have a piece of paper on my mirror that says nourishment, and then a list of a bunch of things that I love, Like you say, the outdoors movement, meditation, yoga, playing guitar, being around water.
Speaker 1:So I love that you mentioned that, because I yeah, I've got that too well perfect and but that is self-trust, that it's like doing the things that fill your soul for then your soul to also trust you. Does that make sense? Yeah, yep, and it's like building that muscle and the more that, like you say what you're going to do and you do what you're going to say, especially when no one's looking, it builds that muscle and you become in my opinion, you also become an even more interesting individual because the experiences that then you end up having because of you know you're saying yes to the things that fuel you, that create awesome experiences, which I know, like you've traveled and done a lot of things which you can relate to.
Speaker 2:Right, it's like what fuels you, what builds that character, that also will breed that trust yeah, and it's like being in alignment with you, know, basically, your soul, right and your, and your purpose and your mission. And maybe you're not aware of your purpose or your mission, but it's just what feels good to you, like you know, like know, like you said, being in the garden pulling out weeds, you know that that makes you feel good and you're going to that, that feeling or whatever, that that knowing that, oh, I need this right now, and then going and doing it. I think that's the, that's the key too, right, and I love the kind of comparison that you made, too, between the mind and the body, cause it's like you said you made too between the mind and the body, because it's like you said, we have all these thoughts in the mind that are mostly junk, for lack of a better word.
Speaker 1:I mean they are, they're lies.
Speaker 2:They're lies that we have decided to believe they're not true. Yeah, so really getting out of the head and into the body, that's kind of what I got from that. You know, when you, when you were describing that it's like it's really going into the body and being still and being in the body, feeling into the body and listening to the body instead of listening to all the noise in our mind, and what's exciting is it does talk to you.
Speaker 1:My heart will literally feel like it's expanding, I will feel very, very open, I will feel very warm and I'll feel like love is pouring out of me. I'm like I am so open right now and it feels amazing. But guess what? I used to not even know what that felt like, like when I was in my early twenties, saying yes to a guy I didn't want to marry, like I wasn't practicing that, I wasn't doing that. And yet, you know, I've learned a lot over the years through like the ups and downs of like rebuilding and things like that.
Speaker 1:But it's like your body will sing to you, it will speak to you. It like now when I, when I, um, when someone is lying to me which actually my family now knows this, so it's funny, but you know, we have like lots of teenagers at our house right now but like it feels like if I am lying, if I'm not speaking my truth, so say, I want to say something but I don't say it, I'm slipping back into the people pleasing. Like my throat will feel really, really tight. We'll feel closed off. It will feel like someone's holding it Wow. But the same goes through, or the same holds true when I'm talking to someone and they are lying to me.
Speaker 2:Oh, wow.
Speaker 1:That's very intuitive. That's when my family's like oh, we can't get away with anything with mom anymore.
Speaker 1:And even my husband is like I was, like you can't, like you literally can't. Because my body speaks to me and it's like but that is how amazing the body is. It's like, yes, I've done a lot of work to get to this pay, this place, and I know I'm not done Like there's more work, there's always more work, but it's like your body will sing, like whether it's your heart opening up or like something fueling your soul, or, like you know, like for me, my throat, um, when my centers are off, um, my. So your right side of your body is your masculine energy. I don't know, maybe you know this or not, but for those listening, your right side is your masculine energy. Your left side is your feminine energy, and when I'm living in my masculine, which is like the do, do, do, like chop, chop, chop, you know masculine, go, go, go. Like my right hip tightens right up and I'm like, oh yeah, like let's chill out a little bit, amy, let's chill out, let's breathe, let's move more into receiving energy, more feminine energy.
Speaker 1:But it's like your body will speak to you, which is also, I believe, your soul speaking to you. And if you believe that your soul is wise, if you believe that it was. It is very old and it they're waiting to help you become a better version of yourself and help you connect with humans and all the people. It's whatever you want, you get to create that life and if it's on your heart, you can build it, whatever that means. Some people it's like they're chasing the finances right, the finance goal or whatever. For other people it's something different, but it's like if it's on your heart. I believe that's your soul telling you something Listen, get quiet and listen and fuel it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely. And then and so you mentioned earlier of you know, flexing the muscle, building the muscle, Is that something that for you personally, you could say that perhaps when you kind of started out on this journey of really starting to tune into your self-trust and in your body and what it was doing, and then where you are now, are things way more obvious for you. Would you say like the signs and the feelings in the body have become like louder and more prominent now that you kind of have flexed that muscle for longer time period.
Speaker 1:Hey, absolutely yes, they are Definitely Like my body, like and it is. I told you about my family. They literally cannot like me because I just know. So, yes, however, I was taught for a lot of years to live in a different mindset and so, even still, like I coach on this, I live this, I embody this, I do all of the things, even still all like start to relapse and back, wait, why am I doing this? But I'm aware now, right, it's like okay, yeah, okay, I'm starting to do the people please, or my throat's getting really tight. What am I not saying?
Speaker 1:I now can like ask myself, like what's going on with you, that you're not doing this? And so then I'm like, okay, I, I'm not done. And there's even times, like conversations with my husband, my throat will be like really tight If we have some hard conversation and and I speak to him to relieve it, cause that's the thing is like it stays like that until I relieve it I'll even get a cough, which, by the way, you might hear me coughing on this, I have a cold. It's not because I'm not speaking my truth, but like I might even have a cough where I'll be like and it's like I know that I'm not speaking up, which I was taught not to Right. So for, for a lot of individuals, they might not really struggle with this because this wasn't. They didn't have this issue as a kid.
Speaker 1:Mine was very severe and so I do think that, like, I'm very extreme the other way now I was extreme one way and now I'm extreme the other way. But yeah, if I'm not saying anything, like as I speak, I have to check in and be like am I done? What else am I holding up? Like, what else am I not telling him that I need to tell him. But the other beautiful thing is it's really taught me that my voice matters. Every woman's voice matters, by the way, if you're tuning in, your voice matters. Speak up, we need to hear you and as us as a whole, like with women, if we speak up louder, like the waves that we can create are phenomenal. It's amazing and the things that you can do and achieve. It's just like we need everyone to speak up. But as I speak up, like, that gets stronger, but I still can relapse because how long I was trained to do something else, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you've definitely come a long way with undoing the programming, reprogramming yourself, but it is always something that is a part of your experience, a part of who you are, and so it does creep back in.
Speaker 2:But you know, you're a testament to just how far you you can go and how much change you can make when you're, you know, just committed to the process. Really like that's what it sounds like is that, yeah, you know you can't, even in the beginning with the marriage, and you know, getting married so young to the fella, like it was, like you knew then, but you weren't able to like take the action and kind of speak and stand up for yourself. But now you're, like on the total other side of the spectrum. So I just want to highlight that, because that's so important and I think it just is a beautiful example for anyone listening to this that, like, no matter you know how much darkness you're in, you're you, you can be in the light and you're going to be. You just have to move in that direction yeah, and just believe that you can.
Speaker 1:I mean, I know I've already said that, but it's anybody can. It doesn't matter how dark you've gone and I know we've just said one little story of my life of, like one of my dark moments. I have multiple. I have multiple times where I've had to restart, I have to change, I've had to adapt, I've had to pivot. It's like life will continually throw things at you but you get to decide like, okay, how am I going to handle this? And it might be ugly for a little bit, Like, okay, I'm not handle this very good, I don't know, but it's like you're going to get stronger and it's like if it's on your heart, you can build it. I will say that over and over and over.
Speaker 1:I had a dream. I was like, what if I could have this husband that loved me completely? That was my dream. And now I'm like, oh yeah, check. You know, like I do, I have an amazing husband. Um, we built an incredible life together, we. I used to have this like dream of this house and living in the actual house. Um, I had a dream to have a pool in the backyard, and we have a pool in the backyard. I had a dream Like. This dream is kind of funny, Like I mean, it's not funny. None of them are funny, right, Everyone dreams differently.
Speaker 1:But I was so broke that I just wanted so bad that for my kids to play in extracurricular activities, but at the higher level, not just like the rec center for 40 bucks. I wanted them to be able to play If they wanted to play. If my daughter wanted to do competitive cheerleading, I wanted them to be able to play if they wanted to play. If my daughter wanted to do competitive cheerleading, I want her. I wanted her to be able to, but that seemed impossible because it was really expensive. My son, if he wanted to do competitive soccer, I wanted that for him. So that was on my mind and I actually did put that on a dream board when me and my husband first got married and when we got married, we were both super broke by the way we've married. Each got married. And when we got married, we were both super broke by the way we married. Each other broke. And so we created this dream board and, like all of those things were recognized. Within two years we had everything checked off that list.
Speaker 1:We're like, wow, so manifesting it works, but like believing it works, it's like and now I look back, I'm like my kids have had the most amazing lifestyle. They travel, they have been in all the sports they've ever wanted to be in. It's like I look back. I'm like, what if I didn't leave? What if I continue to not choose myself? Because ultimately, by choosing myself and walking away and starting over, I've completely changed my lifestyle. It's things I used to dream of that now we do all the time.
Speaker 1:I leave town, at least once a month, to somewhere cool, which is me, and I say that not like bragging, like I do this, I do that. I do not want that to come across that way. I want it to come across as like empowering, that you can. I want everyone to know that they can, and it's just all a matter of believing that it's possible for you and then making those steps towards the change. So now it's been almost a decade since I left my ex-husband and our lives have totally changed, right. He now has an amazing life which he would never have had had I not left. So I look at it as a whole of all of us that were involved in the beginning of our family and how we started. Everything is better because of me choosing myself. My kids' lives are better, my life is better, His life is better and now my stepkid's life's better and my husband that I'm now married to's life is better. It's like I look at it. It's like everything is more positive now.
Speaker 1:But it was so freaking scary to leave for so many reasons. I had no idea how I was going to make it work. I had no idea how I was going to pay for things. I had no idea what people were going to think of me. I had no idea how long I would feel like I was like scarlet letter, Like there were so many things, but like again coming back to, like the cave you fear holds the treasure you seek. Like I went through that cave. It was so scary, but things unfolded in the most beautiful way and they continue to unfold. And I'm not saying we've had me and my husband now have had a perfect marriage, because things are always going to be up and down. But it's how you decide to show up when they're in the down and how you decide to let that define you, you know. So for me I'm like OK, that's another brick For what I'm building.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. It's so beautiful for you to share too. I find it so interesting Like you know, you mentioned manifestation and stuff like that and how your decision has now positively affected all these people. It's like because you stepped into a higher vibration, you stepped into being more in alignment with self and that emanated through your entire community, your neighborhood, your family, like that's so powerful and I hope people really you know, hear that and actually really understand you know the gravity of because really we are kind of just living in this illusion and we kind of create our reality and that's I feel like that's a really perfect example that it ripple affected into everyone else. That's, you know, so closely connected to you. That's so incredible.
Speaker 1:And now me and my ex-husband. I never thought I'd be able to say this, but like we now have a working relationship that is beautiful for our kids. It took us a while to get here because both of you have to want it, and he was upset for a while after I left him. But you know he's now in this much better space and his life has gotten so much better. It's like you don't know the impact you have and I think that's why I'm just like women, go, do, do the hard things, get uncomfortable, live what's on your heart, believe it can happen for you because it can, and understand that like you're affecting, so like you have the opportunity to affect so many more people than you know.
Speaker 1:I had no idea. I had no idea what would happen a few years down the road from me leaving. And here I'm like holy cow, me and my husband talk about that. Sometimes we're like look at what happened to everyone because you made that decision late. It's like seriously, and it's not like I'm like I'm so awesome. I do think I'm awesome, I think everyone's awesome I think all women.
Speaker 2:Women are awesome.
Speaker 1:We all have so many amazing qualities, but it's not like I'm like I'm being so proud. That's not my intent. My intent is women. People are powerful, men or women, they are all powerful. We all have so much more capability than we believe that we do, but I think, especially women. We have so much more capability than we believe that we do, but I think, especially women. We have so much more capability than we believe we do and we stay small because we don't want other people to be offended and it's at the cost of ourselves, and I want us to stop paying that price. I want us to step into our power and I want you to thrive, because you are worthy of everything that's on your heart. You're worthy of everything.
Speaker 2:And this is what you do, and I want to talk about that in a second. Your program, your podcast as well, with over 100 episodes Congratulations, that is awesome. But I do just want to ask one question before that, because you mentioned, you know, doing the hard thing and you described that in your story. That, like you know that clearly I think everyone could agree. You know that wasn't an easy thing to do. It obviously took, you know, a number of years of knowing it needed to happen before you actually pulled the trigger on that.
Speaker 2:And so, like you know, for those listening right now when we talk about doing the hard thing, I know this sounds so kind of like basic in like the vocabulary of it, but what if you don't want to? Like, how do you cultivate the motivation to do the hard thing when you're right there, like you know what I mean You're right on the edge of the cliff and all you have to kind of do is jump into the hard thing, but you're just, you're almost freezing, like it's like oh, but it's. You know that fear, that's that, that dark cave with the treasure inside. It's like, oh, but I don't want to like. And even you know your story with the treadmill this morning. Like you're right, there was no one in the room. You didn't have to do that. You probably didn't, really, you probably weren't excited about it in that moment.
Speaker 2:But you made the decision to do it and you followed through. So, like you know when, when we're faced with those those decisions, and we we've got to do that hard thing, we know it's the best thing for us but we quite simply don't want to. Like, how do we kind of motivate ourselves to just to just do it, like would you have any advice around that?
Speaker 1:Gosh, like, as you're saying that, like three different things came up. First is, again, self-trust. Do you want to build it? I think, in order to love really big, you do have to love yourself and you have to love yourself big. And so, by you not doing it, are you showing yourself the love that you're worthy of? So that's the first thing.
Speaker 1:By not doing it, are you really self-betraying in some way? Because I'm going to say, yes, you are, but ultimately people are not going to change. Yeah, it's hard to change. I mean it took me from the minute I wanted to leave that marriage. I mean I wanted to leave it, like most of the time, but from the minute I felt like I could not go on one more day, I stayed five years. So I'm saying I'm not perfect at this.
Speaker 1:It's like there's things that I came up really slow, right, but the pain of staying still like you, if you do not want to change that bad. It's like finally you change once, the pain of staying where you're at is less than like the pain of moving forward, like I have to move forward because this is going to kill me if I stay here, and so that's what creates the change. It's like no, I want that. Like going back to the Boston goal. It's like the pain of not hitting, like I qualified and now I'm like crap, I got to get even faster. So today on the tread, it's like this pain sucks. I don't want to hold this at this Hill. I don't want to do this, but also I don't want to be cut. I don't want to qualify for Boston and then also get cut again because I didn't shave off more minutes, and so that's just an example of something that happened today.
Speaker 1:Right, and it's like so, making sure that there's like that. Like there's that cross that happens of like the pain standing still versus the pain of moving forward. It's like okay, it's, it's too uncomfortable to stay here any longer because I am self betraying or I'm not hitting my weight loss goals or I'm not like, whatever it is, I'm not making enough money. You have to make a change. I am killing myself staying in this marriage, whatever it is. You finally have to like it's like it was too much, I could not do it. Okay, I'm leaving, you know. So it's like those are two of the three.
Speaker 1:The third one, it like may have lost me as I like went off on a tangent, but it's those things it's. It's. It does come back to self-trust, though it's like am I using myself by making that decision? Oh, this is the third thing. I'm a little slow today. All of a sudden it comes back. I'm like there it is. What I like to tell my clients is this question what is the worst that can happen? This question what is the worst that can happen? So, if you move forward, what is the very worst that can happen?
Speaker 1:You might feel uncomfortable, it might be a little scary. What is the best that can happen? So those are the three things that came back, but that is that it's like a really important question. Ask yourself what is the very worst thing that can happen here? Feelings, feelings are feeling. They're not even like they're just they're feelings. You fill them in your body. Someone's not going to die, You're not dying, it's just a feeling. Can we feel uncomfortable for a little while? Sure, you never know what's on the other side, but you'll find out if you actually move forward. You make that a little step. It doesn't even have to be big amazing.
Speaker 2:Oh, this has been such a good chat. This has, oh amazing, all great stuff and so, yes, so you do. You do have clients. You work in a one-on-one coaching container. You've got your podcast, thrive Her, as I mentioned before. You have over a hundred episodes, which is awesome, and you do have the Thrive Her Academy, as well as your free Facebook group. So how can people get in touch with you?
Speaker 1:I think the best thing is just go to my website, because everything is there. But and my website is just amysandersco, so not com amysandersco is the best way because everything is there. But the Thrive Her Academy, it's life-changing. It's just like, if you want, if one-on-one coaching is out of your budget or it's like seems like a lot, like kind of heavy. The Thrive Her Academy oh my gosh, there's so much there and it's like anyone can afford that. So just check it out and see what feels good. You can always schedule a call and see. But yeah, ultimately I want every single woman to step into their power and like totally make whatever's on her heart a reality, because she can Thank you for sharing that and thank you so much for just being open and vulnerable and trusting in me to hold space for you and to share your story.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this has been incredible. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1:You're welcome, thank you again for having me. I really appreciate it and it's been an honor.
Speaker 2:That's a wrap on today's episode. I am beyond grateful for your participation in today's conversation. I hope you enjoyed today's guest on the Emotions Untapped podcast. My intention is that the information shared here today has inspired you to deepen your understanding of emotional intelligence and how it can benefit your life. If you have any questions about today's episode, you can DM us on Instagram at emotionsuntapped, and check the show notes for any and all resources mentioned in today's show. You can also reach out to today's guest through the links provided. I'm Livia Lauder. See you next time on Emotions Untapped.